The Audition

So here's another post looking at a monologue I've performed. I was going through my photos and videos and found an old video i made in 2012, of me practicing my monologue for my first acting class. These videos where made so that i could watch myself perform and see how i looked. It's a monologue called The Audition. It's about a man who's simply full of himself, who doesn't realize what a horrible actor he is. I can't remember exactly why i chose this monologue. I think its because i sort of know people like this. Watching these clips was a bit painful. The shorter one seems like its just me messing up a lot. I'm wondering why i was moving back and forth so much. There where other directions i could have gone in if i really wanted to move around. There's too much waving around of the umbrella for sure. I look a little bit to nervous waving it around the way I do.I should have been a bit more rigid to portray the characters confidence. The homicidal lunatic wasn't great, my energy sort of tapered off. Of course this was just a rehearsal. This was probably as good as it got since this is only a few hours before the performance. Fun fact about the "Resume" i threw down. I actually sat at a computer at thought about what this characters resume would look like. I decided on something like this.

My Resume

Go fuck yourself...

I made it just for my own purposes with no intention of it being seen. But during my monologue someone picked it up and started showing people which caused some distracting laughter i wasn't expecting. But I managed to get through it. Also when i was about to do the King Lear bit the umbrella broke. So i just threw it down and kept going. I decided it would be better to keep the monologue going so rather than start over i threw the unbrella down and continued on. 

THE AUDITION

This comic monologue is printed here in its entirety, though written for a male actor, by changing a few pronouns, the piece could be adapted for use by an actress.

My resume. Oh, first I should mention that I could play any of the parts in this play. Any. I could play an ant, I could play Little Red Riding Hood, I could play Hamlet. I've never heard of this play, as a matter of fact. It doesn't matter. I can do opera, I can do commercials, I can sing soprano, I can do my own stunts- I’m that versatile. Leading man, leading lady, gay, ingenue- you name it, I can do it. That’s how great I am. I see you looking over my resume. Noticing I've never had a part. It’s a real comment on this sick business we’re in, isn't it? An actor this good (he thumps his chest) and he’s blackballed! Why? For refusing to show up at auditions! Auditions are beneath me. I wipe my feet on them. People should be begging me to grace their theaters- producers should be asking me to audition them! But those egomaniacs who should bow and scrape before me - they have forced me to betray my principles and come to this (said with utter contempt) audition. So no, no, don't blame me for demeaning myself in this grotesque position… I've waited ten years for them to come crawling… but suffice it to say they were too wrapped up in their own insane… trivium to get the hint. But enough of them. Let’s get to the situation at hand. You’re sitting there typecasting me as a leading man aren't you? You’re thinking that because of my matinee idol glorious good looks, and rich, sensuous, sexy, seductive, fetching, effervescent, tingly and charming voice, I could only play a male lead. No, I tell you, no! Observe! An ant! (He crawls along the floor in a normal way.) And now, King Lear! (He opens his umbrella and pretends, in an awkward mime, to be blown around the stage.) I needn't mention, of course, that that was the fabulous storm scene, out on the heath. And now, Brutus, impaled on his own sword! (Closes the umbrella, stabs himself with it in the stomach. Dies, rather flatly.)
And here’s a homicidal lunatic: (he gets up, picks up the umbrella, waves it threatening forward, like a sword. This part seems real.) Give me the part or I’ll kill you! I’ll poke out the vile grape jelly of your eyes with the point of my umbrella! I've been waiting ten years for this! (Puts the umbrella down.) OK. All the parts. I should play all the parts in you little production. Capiche? Capiche. Note the mastery of the Spanish dialect. I do it all. Now, with that in mind, here’s my… (Abrupt pause) What do you mean my time’s up? I haven’t done my monologue yet! (Beat) What do you mean, next? Where do you get off saying next?! I memorized this thing! I took the subway here! I elbowed my way ahead of dozens of pushy actors and still had to wait a half hour to get in here! I wanna do my audition!